Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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