Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
soo... how was my night?
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