i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you never un-have a 4some
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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