Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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