He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
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Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
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You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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