I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
