Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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