I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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