My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
