I faked an abortion last night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
