Christians are straight up FREAKS
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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