I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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