What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
