I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The uberlube is also flammable
be right there i have to get my cape
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
