Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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