guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
