i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
