I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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