I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
