I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
