dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
