So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
