I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
