Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
