So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
