She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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