Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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