i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
