i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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