If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
