I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
