my phone needs a breathalizer
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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