when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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