Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
