dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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