Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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