I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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