My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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