Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
