Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
