i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
