I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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