threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
