the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
