I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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