Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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