I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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