handjob tips. give me some.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
