Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
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God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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