I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
